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> To the citizens of the United States of America, In the
> light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and
> thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the
> revocation of your independence, effective today.
> Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume
> monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and
> other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.
> Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for
> the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware
> that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a
> minister for America without the need for further
> elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A
> questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine
> whether any of you noticed.
> To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency,
> the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
> 1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English
> Dictionary.
> Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation
> guide. You will be amazed at just how incorrectly you
> have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise
> your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up
> "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words
> interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you
> know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
> communication. Look up "interspersed".
> 2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let
> Microsoft know on your behalf.
> 3. You should learn to distinguish the English and
> Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.
> 4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English
> actors as the good guys.
> 5. You should relearn your original national
> anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully
> carrying out task 1. We would not want you
> to get confused and give up half way through.
> 6. You should stop playing American "football". There is
> only one kind of football. What you refer to as
> American "football" is not a very good game. The
> 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world
> outside your borders may have noticed that no one else
> plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed
> to play it, and should instead play proper football.
> Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It
> is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in
> time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to
> American "football", but does not involve stopping for a
> rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar
> body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get
> together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.
> 7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using
> nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The
> 98.85% of you who were not aware that there
> is a world outside your borders should count yourselves
> lucky. The Russians have never been the bad
> guys. "Merde" is French for "shit".
> 8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th
> will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will
> be called "Indecisive Day".
> 9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap
> and it is for your own good.
> 10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us
> bonkers for almost forty years.
> Thank you for your cooperation.

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