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The Groop Secret Handshake!!!
Although there hasn't been much talk lately of GROOFEST, every once in a
while two or more members of the Groop actually do MEET each other!
Whether by design or by accident, it behooves us to be prepared. How, you may
ask, do we tell a REAL LIVE Grooper from an impostor?
Why, with our own honest-to-Groo GROOP SECRET HANDSHAKE (*fanfare*)
I've given this plenty of serious thought, which of course doesn't apply to
anything Grooish, and have thus wasted much time that could otherwise have
been spent nailing little metal bottle caps to my floor. So now, off the top
of my head and with little regard for the consequences, I present to you the
criteria for a GROOP SECRET HANDSHAKE (*fanfare*), followed by the GROOP
SECRET HANDSHAKE (*fanfare*) itself. Ready? Tough, I'm plowing ahead anyway!
1) To be worthy of Groo, the GROOP SECRET HANDSHAKE (*fanfare*) must, of
course be revealed to everyone in sight on an hourly basis. After all, GROO
DOES NOT KNOW THE MEANING OF THE WORD SECRET.
B) To be worthy of Groo, the GROOP SECRET HANDSHAKE (*fanfare*) must, of
course be painful.
4. To be worthy of Groo, the GROOP SECRET HANDSHAKE (*fanfare*) must, of
course somehow involve food. I don't rightly know why this is, but Groo told
me in a dream (mine, not his). So there.
And now, the moment you've all been dread- I mean waiting for:
The GROOP SECRET HANDSHAKE!!!
Ummm, okay, like, first make a fist, okay? (This represents Groo's love of
Second, dip your fist in some hot cheese dip. (This represents Groo's love of
mindless cheese dip).
Okay, okay, so FIRST you've actually gotta go buy some cheese dip and heat it
up, and THEN, SECOND, you make a fist, so, ummm, THIRD you dip your fist in
some hot cheese dip. (This STILL represents Groo's love of mindless cheese
Fourth, you meet someone you suspect of being in the Groop (This represents
Groo's tendency to be slow of mind).
Okay, okay, wait. FIRST you meet someone you suspect of being in the Groop,
then you run out and buy some cheese dip and heat it and dip your fist into
it, then you see if he or she is still hanging around.
So, ummm, if they're still hanging around, then either they've gotta be in
the Groop or they've got their shoes nailed to the floor. (This represents
the way Groo's friends inevitably keep running into him when they should be
Sixth (I think), ask them if that is cheese dip all over their fist, and then
say "Why yes," because if they're in the Groop they've probably just asked
you the same thing.
(This represents the inevitability of something bad happening around Groo).
Seventh, shake hands using your NON-DIPPED paw, I mean hand. (This represents
Rufferto, because it's about time we mentioned him).
Eighth. Wait until they turn around and sock them in the back of the head
with your cheese dip-drenched fist. (This represents, ummm, getting socked in
the back of the head).
(Note: if they don't turn around, just wait a while, they'll have to,
eventually. Just, ummm, just don't?ummm?turn?around?)
I'll be seeing Unirabbit sometime this weekend, as she's arriving in New
York, ohhhhhhh, I guess sometime this weekend, so we'll hafta try this out.
I'll also be seeing TGD for the Macy's Parade, and will hafta make sure I
have plenty of cheese dip on hand?
-Larry S. AKA The Sheik of Entropy
"If you nail little metal bottle caps all over the floor, it'll give you the
sensation that you are walking on?little?metal?bottlecaps!" -Davey Jones, THE